Dear Libby,
I had a very close fried for quite a while, but then things starting getting complicated and I felt like it’s time to move on. So I became friends with a different girl in my class that I always felt that we can potentially connect to each other. But then, my old friend made a very close friendship with my new friend. I feel lonely, unwanted and I feel like I lost in the battle.
Thank you, and please help me fast.
Waiting Desperately for an Answer.
Dear Waiting Desperately for an Answer,
Relationships and how they evolve and develop is not something that happens fast. It’s something that requires sensitivity and wisdom. Getting “fast” help is not helpful. The greater the sense of urgency and the faster you want to find a way out of a conflict, the less effective your solution will be. Fast thinking is dedicated for dangerous situations in which you need very quick answers, like how to find the nearest exit when there’s a fire in the room.
In situations where your physical survival is not at stake, slow, deliberate thinking helps you navigate matters of friendship with better results.
Swift answers lead to quick fixes and half-baked solutions that don’t last long or address only part of the issue. So, perhaps hastily, you decide: “Things are complicate, I’ve got to move on.” When that doesn’t work you come up with a new speedy solution: “Quick, become friends with this cute other girl.” Well that didn’t work because now you feel “lost in the battle.” I know you don’t mean the word battle literally, but it seems a part of you feels that here’s a battle, we can win or lose, let’s fight or flight. Quick strategies to escape discomfort are often a “fight or flight” response. But they don’t provide complete solutions. They are reactive, impulsive, and often based on worry and fear.
Sometimes it’s the longer route that brings you to your destination sooner. Taking fast action can lack balance and harmony. It can lead to more complications along the way. Taking slow action, and gently resisting impulsivity, allows you to create a space for your wise inner guide to direct you. Wisdom sees a broader picture. It takes more things into consideration, and weaves together several threads for richer, more effective solutions.
If you’re prepared to pause and not act until you know how to act, you will suddenly experience a sense that something just feels like the right thing to do. That still, small voice within you knows. For example, it may ask, “Is there a way for me to talk through the complications before moving on?” And, “How can I be friends with both these girls, even though I may like and appreciate them in different ways?”
Then, instead of desperately seeking an answer fast, you make yourself comfortable with the question. Learn about the question. Savor the question. And then wait for something inside of you to give you an answer. A wise solution will naturally arise.
For example, you might suddenly see three types of trees in the garden and notice how they all look differently and yet they each add something to the other. The way the three trees look better than just two trees growing side by side may offer a new understanding of your dilemma. It can inspire you with its beauty and give you a sense that everyone has something to offer, and that you can connect with different types of friends. By pausing, by taking time to be with the question in stillness, instead of running from it with “fight or flight” you may discover something inside of you that knows how to manage a friendship made of three.
Sometimes, as you hang out with the question, something you see, hear, or read will lead to a flash of insight and provide an answer. At other times, your curiosity may guide you to reach out and ask others to share their experience or their ideas and wisdom.
If you don’t seek an instant solution, if you can be patient with the question and let it be there even as you go on with your life, answers show up in the most interesting places. You just know it when you see it: “That’s an idea for me! That’s just what I need to do.”
Sincerely,
Libby
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